Well, I’ll be dipped in…
In an statement which shocked voters, presidential candidates and the news media, Iowa Secretary of State H. Bifter Herkemayer announced that the Iowa caucuses have already occurred. Mr. Herkemayer noted that the continued movement of states’ primaries as a means of gaining meaning forced his hand.
“Yep, we held it yesterday morning,” he said at a hastily-called press conference. “We felt it was the only way of maintaining our number one position and we were determined to hold onto the publicity and dollars the early voting has allowed us. I know the people may be shocked and even angry that no one was able to vote, but believe you me–they’d be more angry if Florida or Michigan sneaked their primaries ahead of ours. Now, we simply have to determine the winners.
“‘What winners’, you ask.
“This is how we shall keep Iowa in the news until the next primary. We have retained the numbers crunchers from the Bowl Championship Series…you know…the BCS. It’ll take about two months to tally up the various polls, talking heads’ beliefs and advertising potential to arrive at a ranking of the candidates.
“It’s happened before–even though I wish I could tell you it’s an Iowa invention. You can look it up.”
Mr. Herkemayer left the podium without answering questions.
EDITOR’S NOTE:
In 1852 leaders of the Whig party decided that their candidate, General Winfield Scott would lose despite his successful command during the Mexican War. Their main concern was the general’s appearance which perfectly suited his nickname–OLD FUSS AND FEATHERS and more importantly–no candidate, who looked like Robert Prosky, was ever able to attain the Nation’s top job.
When these facts were placed against the Democrat Franklin Pierce’s resemblance to Daniel Day Lewis’s de-moustached Bill the Butcher, the powers that were scotched the election.
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Images: (D.D. Lewis mouth) nndb.com; (Bill) Gangs of New York via kathyddl.tripod.com via reason.com;(Prosky) c. Grammercy Pictures via IMDb.com; (Scott) thehistoryplace.com; (Pierce) ushistoricalarchive.com