In order to begin with a fresh attitude, I had sent for and received the school’s introduction package which included the application form from which I now present excerpts.

Whereas most institutions of higher learning request name, address, telephone number, etc,

Quinnipiac University (QU) asks:

1) Home area (If the United States)

a. New England

b. Middle Atlantic (Including Va.)

c. South

d. Border States (Missouri, West Virginia, Kentucky)

e. Upper North Central (North & South Dakota, Minnesota

f. Great Lake States (Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, Wisconsin)

g. Mountain West (Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho)

h. Grain Belt (Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas)

i. Sun Belt (California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah)

j. Old West (Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico)

k. Great Northwest (Washington, Oregon)

l. Island Paradise (Hawaii)

m. Seward’s Folly (Alaska)

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2) Telephone Exchange

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The application lists 999 combinations less those beginning with “0.”

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The third question finally gets the applicant to

3) “Your name has…?”

a. number of letters

b. number of syllables

c. number of vowels-(Since y is sometimes a vowel,the admissions office will make the determination)

d. vowel at beginning

e. vowel at ending

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4) Family

a. Second language spoken at home.

b. Number and type of pet. (If more than one type, chose the dominant species.)

c. Favorite food.

d. Your parent(s), Guardian, court-appointed advocate gets their, his, her news mainly by:

1) newspaper 2) television 3) radio 4) internet 5) rumor

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The university is able to determine the applicant’s exact name, address and telephone number from the above introductory questions.

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4) Personal Preferences

Which of the following five statements best describes you?

a) Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in a cold, clammy sweat and I discover that I had bitten into my wrist with such vehemence that the ulnar nerve is severed.

b) I love ponies, baby rabbits and creosote.

c) No one tells me what to do. No one!

d) After my alien abduction, I have learned to be more accepting of those who are different from my friends in high school.

e) If God had wanted us to have same-sex marriage, He (or She) would have condoned race mixing also.

f) I do (do not) believe in the Rapture for the following reason:

1) Murray Povich 2) Leslie Uggams 3) Stan Musial 4) James VI of Scotland

a) doesn’t exist b) once killed a Nile crocdile while drunk c) knows 16 Chinese dialects

g) I would like to invent a tasty, carbonated Fluoride drink.

h) All work and no pay is the legacy of NAFTA.

i) I will never…

1) vote 2) eat mussels 3)learn Urdu 4)attend an ice show 5)become a Satanist 6) drop a transmisson

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QU asks the applicant to provide high school transcripts and letters of recommendation which leave out any reference to the applicants name, address and telephone number.

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Finally, we arrive at the bane of most applicants. Here is the essay section.

5) We wish to know what you expect from the university experience. From the following 6 essays, pick that which most closely answers the question.

Six college essays, written by the admissions department, follow. Each one differs in levels of form and function.

6) Why did you choose our university? Using the five following essays as a guide and assign each a number from 1 to 5 with five being the strongest reason.

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Here, QU includes five shorter essays from which the prospective student must select.

7) If you are accepted to Quinnipiac University, which of the following statements best describes your probability of attending,

a) “Where d’ya get a brewski around here?”

b) “Why not?”

c) “You said, ‘Accepted’?”

d) “Do I have to tell you now?”

e) “Uh…uh…I guess.”

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IMAGES:

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Originally posted on August 4, 2006