Grim Moments in Marketing
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During the Depression, The WPA attempted to link one project with
others in order to maximize human, land and industrial resources in
the same way the TVA changed a portion of the nation. Not all the
ideas were successful. A 1939 Georgetown University dental school
graduate believed he could utilize the excess energy produced by
Boulder Dam’s massive turbines in order to protect the teeth of the
entire southwest quadrant of the country. His enthusiasm was unable
to overcome the need for thousands of transformers to step down the
current in order to allow safe and unmagnetized brushing.
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This radial engine, cannibalized from an UltraLight aircraft
proved a possible method of merging power with compact size.
Christian Darby Matthews the founding member of the defunct
Cape Cod Citizens for Freedom to Choose East ‘o Canal Statehood
was unable to find the necessary funding necessitated by a string of
accidents when the tooth brush would shake violently during stall tests.
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Prospects for this U.S. Naval Cruiser diesel were bright, but the Pentagon
stopped funding for the project because Admirals argued they could find a
better use world’s largest for one of the largest diesel engines in the
world. The monstrous power plant runs the lights for the U. S. Naval Academy Senior Prom each June.
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How he thought of it is still a mystery, but Enrico Fermi’s famed
demonstration of a nuclear chain reaction in Chicago was to
demonstrate his idea behind a self-sustaining rotary toothbrush.
While the theory was sound, like the steam engine, an atomic reactor
was labor intensive because the tooth brusher would have far too much difficulty handling the fuel rods and the brush. Fermi later sold his idea to the Manhattan project and the rest–as they say–is history.
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The fully, blown 409 cubic inch, hemi engine not only provided
enough power to clean the teeth, but it also was a platform from which
dental hygiene flew into uncharted areas of buffing, heal-and-toeing
and a generally bitchin’ method of wasting afternoons. In the 1960s,
teens would brush after every burger and fry. Unlike most adolescent fads,
this one’s death was a derivative of the fad’s success. The speed of the
brush prevented the use of gold-flecked, candy-apple paint.
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These six windmills were able to generate enough power
for thirty-eight English sailors, returned from a ten-month
cruise, to clean their teeth continually for six weeks–by
sharing the same brush. The necessity of having to remain outside
doomed any chance of marketing the product in any but warm climes.
Prince Charles and Billy Sol Estes V lost nearly $30,000,000 for machinery, maintenance and lawsuits. The Mouth-Sea-Trencher remains the source
of jokes at most West End dinner parties.
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As is the case with solar panels and solar panel discussions,
boredom sets in so quickly that the argument never reaches the
quandary of being unable to brush at night unless one has spent
big bucks to maintain an energy- storing facility. Besides, whether
they be urban legends or not, tales of solar flares instantaneously
yellowing teeth is hardly a reason to wreck the back yard.
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This Saturn-5 rocket motor and the atomic pile are my favorites.
I am almost certain this engine would have worked had not engineers been frightened of the stresses brushers would experience from the incredible
thrust one of these machines can muster. Of course, no one had determined the safety of wearing an eight-foot thick asbestos-rayon blend heat suit whenever the need for tooth care arose.
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A three-sided tooth brush.
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I am presently manufacturing a toothbrush
to be used in the Fourth Dimension. Jeesh, three sides!
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Images: (3-sider) ec3images-amazon.com; (fermi) physics.northwestern.edu; (turbines) boosanova.com; (wind) esds.ac.uk; (Fourth D) sprott.physics.wisc.edu; (409) jonkaaseracingengines.com; (radial) ultralightflyer.com; (Saturn) huemon.com;(steam) k43pbase.com -Morgansteamengine-allis-chalmers; (diesel) marinelog.com; (sun) windsun.com (OralB) focuscamera.com